The Change

By Bonnie Wonders

Grumpy Old Ladies. There has to be a movie out about them. After last week, I am completely convinced that Grumpy Old Men can't hold a candle to them.

It's not by coincidence that women have gotten the nickname of Old Bats. I really could see some of them hanging around in a dark, old attic somewhere. Actually, if you really think about it, how often do you hear people complaining about their fathers in law? Yes, it's always the mothers that get the bad rap. It's really no wonder. They are like the Energizer Bunny with a broken "off" switch. Take a couple shining examples from last week...

On Tuesday, two women, both in their late 70s, came in to get their dogs' nails and glands done. These two are sisters, and they each own a small dog. One lives in Florida during the winter, and the other one lives here in Pennsylvania year round. They look like two old midget prunes.... with hair.

They both came back into the grooming room, and the first woman held her own dog while I did the nails. Now bear in mind that her dog never makes a sound while I am doing this. The woman, however, has to "yip" with each click of the nail clipper. She also jerks the dog away ever so slightly with each clip.

"Do you have to clamp that 'tool' so hard on her fingernails?" she asked, scowling at me.

"Uh... Yes. If I don't 'clamp' it, then it won't cut them. It would more like 'smash' them," I replied probably a little more sarcastically than necessary. I finished clipping. Sorry... "clamping."

"That bad lady makes your little feet hurt, doesn't she?" the woman said to her dog when I finished with the nails.

""Well, she didn't seem to mind at all," I said to the woman.

"Oh, I know you're hurting her," she responded. "I can tell it by looking at her eyes," she said.

"And what do you think I'M thinking just by looking at MY eyes?" I asked her. OK. So I didn't really ask her out loud, but I was thinking something. No, not anything remotely nice.

I patted the table and told the woman to put her dog on it so that I could do the glands. "I think she'd rather I hold her while you do it," she told me.

I sighed. "It's much easier if you just put her down and I do it while she's on the table," I explained, while trying to smile sweetly. Believe me, sweetness was about the last emotion that I was feeling.

"I'm telling you she doesn't want to sit on that cold table," the old biddy retorted.

"OK, then," I said, shrugging my shoulders. "Gee," I thought to myself, "I sure hope that I don't accidentally get any anal fluid on this elderly lady's jacket. That would be just awful. I'll have to be really careful."

Being the ever so customer-pleasing person that I am, I honored the woman's request. She held her dog in her arms, and I lifted the tail and started squeezing. How full the glands were! They were so easily expressed, and unfortunately, I did miss the baby wipe slightly. Oh dear... Nearly half of the brown fluid went right onto the customer's left sleeve. "Oh, that's gonna stink... AND leave a mark," I thought silently to myself. I didn't feel the need at that moment to share the error of my ways. "The customer is always right," I thought with an ever so slight smile.

"Your turn, Evelyn," the first sister said to the second. "Do her butt first," the second owner told me.

"I'd rather do her nails first, if you don't mind," I said to her.

"Well, I'd rather you pop the gland first," she again instructed. I hate doing it in that order. I end up having to smell it while I'm doing nails if the dog is squirming at all.

Unlike her sister, she put her dog onto the table, and I did the rear end as I was told. Now, this woman didn't want to hang onto her dog at all, and sure enough, the dog was trying to dance all over the place while I cut the nails. I got swatted by her tail upside the head, and the residual stink of that anal crap whizzed past my nose.

I finished the second dog, and we all traipsed out front to the register. I charged the first woman $12.72. She gave me $13.00. I vividly recall handing her back 28 cents. I crossed my right hand over my left and knocked a pencil holder over on the counter as I did so. The woman dropped the change into her jacket pocket.

I charged the second woman the same price, and she also gave me $13.00 As I got her 28 cents and started to hand it to her, the first sister put her hand out to take it. "I already gave you your change," I told evil sister #1.

"No you didn't." she said.

"No, you didn't give her any change back," prune lady #2 chimed in.

"Yes, I did," I said calmly.

"No... No, you didn't! You owe me 28 cents! You didn't give me any change. You kept all the money!" wicked witch #1 said, practically shrieking at me.

It was so hard to keep my eyes from rolling into the back of my head at that point. Now it was a matter of principle. "I think if you check your jacket pocket, you will find the change," I said, trying to sound nice and calm. I could feel way more blood than necessary rushing to my face, though.

"I do not need to check my pocket," the old crab was saying. "You kept my change!" she said, smacking the counter with her free hand.

"Ok... ok. Here's another 28 cents," I told her, handing over the change.

"And mine is..." warble #2 piped up as I cut her off.

"Right here," I said hastily opening up the register again. "Twenty-eight cents," I said between clenched teeth.

"I don't like getting taken advantage of," the second woman said. "You would have gotten away with keeping that extra money if we hadn't been watching," she said, sneering at me. "People are always trying to take advantage of senior citizens, and I won't allow it," she admonished me while waggling a crooked, bony old finger at me.

"I wasn't trying to take advantage!" I defended. "I distinctly remember giving you change. I knocked over the pencil holder as I was handing it to you. You put it in your pocket," I repeated to the first woman. I was really boiling now. I could see it coming. I would soon be arrested for swindling two elderly old crones out of 28 cents. My secret plan, if I hadn't been caught, would have been to do it to 5,000 other old women. I'd then have enough to put a down payment on an outhouse somewhere. Ahhh.... foiled again.

"I will not check my pocket! You are being ridiculous! You just remember this as a lesson in honesty," the first woman said. "Let's go," she said to her sister.

With that, they both headed for the door. I was speechless, defeated, and really fuming. I had nothing left to say. It wasn't worth getting any more angered than I already was. "Let it go... let it go..." I was saying to myself. "They're two old cranky women."

"Have a nice weekend," the second sister said to me as she was closing the door. "See you next month," she added.

I love my job...

In 1989, Bonnie opened Wonders Sassy Pup in Central City, Pa. Bonnie is the author of Wonders of Grooming, a collection of her humorous grooming experiences, which is available at www.barkleighstore.com.